If not, as a quick context summary, biologically a male has both masculine & feminine energies while a female also has masculine & feminine energies yet the spark of sexual attraction is created by the polarized magnetism of a masculine attraction to a feminine energy regardless of the gender biology (male or female). Even Homosexual couples who have continually strong sexual attraction tend to have one partner who usually animates the masculine energy & the another partner who usually animates the feminine energy—which again is the factor that creates the magnetic sexual attraction. Because the gender polarity of sexual attraction is different than bonding in love, polarity is an important dynamic that couples need to be aware of & learn how to generate in order to maintain ongoing sexual attraction. Although it’s beyond the scope of this article, it is essential to know that the channels of authentic communication, emotional intimacy, safety, trust, respect stay open & flowing in order for the foundation of polarity & sexual attraction to flourish–otherwise insecure bonding, avoidance of connection, withholding, betrayals, resentments & trust violations can destroy the safety & trust needed for deep secure bonding & ongoing sexual attraction to thrive. So, if as a couple you are trying to enhance passion, polarity & sexual intimacy, make sure you are also cleaning up the past & restoring safety & trust. With that said, the following are 3 common activities & some practices to enhance the magnetism of gender polarity & sexual attraction of masculine and feminine energies in romantic partnership.
Listening w/o Changing
One of the qualities women (with a feminine essence) say they most want from males is presence. A common area this happens in, is the quality of his presence as he listens. Being distracted, multitasking, looking at other women or paying more attention to his phone are surefire ways for him to lose trust & the polarity of her feeling safe enough to relax into her feminine in the felt demonstration of his presence, while he is listening to her in conversation. The second most annoying thing he can do is try to give advice or fix her when she usually just wants to be seen heard or felt & received as she feels & expresses herself. This is paradoxical for many men because the masculine essence at work thrives on problem-solving, solutions & continual improvement—which is the exact opposite of what the feminine wants in connection & communication, so he needs to learn to shift gears in conversation. Unless, she specifically asks for his advice by directly saying “please give me your advice on this” he should assume she just wants him to be present & listen. To do he can imagine listening as an open-hearted unwavering Oak Tree—whether he is sitting or standing, he would make sure he is GROUNDED in his feet & legs, making & sustaining EYE CONTACT, focusing on his deep BREATHING in his belly & feeling HEART open curiosity & appreciation for her, & if available from SPACIOUS awareness. He should not be worrying about what to say, in fact often the less he says the better, however from a deeper presence in key moments he might feel inspired to nod, grab her hand, move closer, briefly repeat back a short phrase she said, ask her a question that he is curious about, or at the end breath deeply & summarize the essence of what she said in one short sentence.
Embodied Emotional Vulnerability
Now from her side of the spectrum in this exchange, her task is feeling & include her body & emotions as well as her thoughts as she speaks. It can be draining to try to listen to a fast-talking bobble-head who is numbing or dissociating the emotions & sensations in their body & instead talking fast repeating the same things over and over again from their mind. So if the masculine is listening with presence like a solid grounded Oak Tree (not trying to fix or change) then now she has the opportunity to relax more deeply into her body & emotions, feeling, expressing, maybe even crying, releasing stuck emotion as sensations in her body such that by the end of the expression she feels more emotionally free, relaxed & open. Part of her wants to feel the unwavering presence of a masculine Oak Tree who can stay present as she feels the range of emotions flowing through her body (of course as David Deida notes only to a point though as a man should still honor his own healthy boundaries & not allow her to be abusive). As she is learning how to live & speak more from her embodied emotional experience rather than dissociated mind, the masculine Oak Tree listener might ask her what she’s feeling in her body. Many couples have a lot of room to practice & improve on both ends of this dynamic.
(As a side note there is a different dynamic that occurs when the masculine gets triggered in the conversation as well as when the feminine is listening to the masculine share vulnerability, which can even to some degree have a double standard but these are more complex dynamics & beyond the scope of this article)
PROTECTOR & NURTURER
There’s an inherent protective versus nurturing distinction between masculine and feminine energies. If you’ve ever seen the fierceness of mama bear, mama lioness or other mama mammal at the potential threat of her children, then you know that even the feminine has a ferocious protective capacity. And while there’s also a healthy masculine nurturance of a loving father, there are still distinct differences in the way that these animate the masculine and feminine. As a general illustrative example, if a burglar were to break into your house it in middle of the night, it would not enhance sexual polarity if the masculine crawled under the bed cowering in fear & cried for his feminine partner to go protect the family. Evolutionarily, we humans even in the harsh conditions of living as wandering nomads were more likely to be killed by another human male so there is a deep survival instinct in women & children to have the masculine protector energy present in the home & relationship. Even though there are a lot of social constructions around masculine muscles, there is an instinctual primal evolutionary reason for this. For the majority of our human history as hunters & gatherers, the ability for the masculine to be not only a provider of food but also a protector of safety we’re both related to his physicality—although now in the digital age many couples are both in the workforce & often share financial responsibility & providership now requires more skills & is less exclusively linked to pure physicality.
So while she wants to instinctually feel the protector energy through his body & he wants to feel her loving nurturance through her embodied actions, both of which can be cultivated by some of the next sections practices, here are a few moves both can make to create polarity through protector & nurturer energy:
- cornering her in conversation
- pinner her against the wall
- picking her up & carrying her
- a way he holds her hand with solidity as they walk side by side
- spontaneously grabbing her & kissing her passionately
- a way he can open a door for her & whisper in her ear as she passes
- a way he can put his arm around her waist as they stand together
(important distinction nurturing from adult woman to adult man can be sexy, but mother to his little boy can be healing but is not so sexy)
- affectionate touch
- affectionate kisses
- loving acts of service
MOVEMENT & EXERCISE
While the masculine essence is a combination of a variety of qualities, there is still something very primal & sexy about masculine physicality that a feminine woman’s body still tends to instinctually respond to. This does not mean that the masculine needs to be a bodybuilder to create sexual polarity, but when the feminine feels his energy & physicality strong, vital & potent, if she has a feminine essence her body tends to feel more sexually attracted. So when he doesn’t eat healthy, neglects his body, allows himself to become physically weak & overweight & most of all, when he consistently comes home at the end of the day empty & drained of potency & vitality, numbing out with alcohol & weed or zoning out with in front of the TV, she tends to lose her primal instinctual sexual attraction to him. On the other end of the spectrum activities that cultivate this flavor of masculine energy include healthy forms of challenge, competition, aggression & physicality:
High Intensity Exercise: weightlifting (especially squats, kettle bells & Olympic lifting) CrossFit, sprinting, interval training, etc.
Challenging Sports in Nature: rock climbing, mountain biking, surfing snowboarding, skiing, etc.
Combative Martial Arts or Sports (rugby, hockey, football, etc.): while the healthy evolving masculine energy is consciously in touch with & has integrated healthy instinctual anger & aggression & likely has at some point engaged in sports, games & exercises that offered healthy outlets, some men need to engage these energies in an ongoing basis while others can train them for an extended period in the past & once consciously integrated to be called upon volitionally & it will may not need to continue to practice regularly
While a female can certainly engage in the these more masculine forms of movement if she so desires & especially for health benefits or to cultivate more masculine energy, the feminine aspect of us probably prefers to move in different ways that tend to be more flowing, spontaneous, unstructured & dynamic. While these activities listed below relate to the body & physical movement, our body is the intersection of physical, mental, emotional & energetic aspects of our humanity & feminine radiance comes from an inner subtle shine rather than purely physical cosmetics, botox, or plastic surgery. The move she allows her body, emotions, love & life to flow the more inner radiance shines through, such that there are grandmothers with no botox or plastic surgery who are far more radiant than some 30 year old’s because their, self-care, self-love & emotional freedom allowing their feelings to be felt & move through their bodies in expression or releasing. Here are a few feminine flowing movement activities:
Dancing: expressive dance, Ecstatic Dance, partner dancing, group dance classes (Zumba, NIA, etc.)
Yoga: especially more flowing, heart-centered, devotional, restorative or yin forms
Spontaneous: Movement, Dancing & Stretching
Walking in Nature
TRUST & RESPONSIVENESS
Integrity & Trustworthiness vs. loving requests with bodily Responsiveness (“I GOT THIS” & “I TRUST YOU”)
Whereas feeling & saying “I LOVE YOU” is the nourishment of bonding, the feminine feeling & hearing the masculine embody & say “I GOT THIS” countered by the feminine feeling & saying “I TRUST YOU” are the fertilizers for the sexual attraction of polarizing gender essences. Trust, safety & competence are the key ingredients for relaxed openness. When the masculine is out of integrity or says he’s going to do something & he doesn’t it degrades her trust in him & the degree she is willing to open to him. Most men do not get how truly important it is for her that when he says he will take out the trash that he follows through—while it may seem like a menial task to him, for her it’s an opportunity to test his integrity, accountability & trustability, which when solid allow her to relax more into her feminine flow.
Likely the thing that the masculine most dislikes from the feminine is nagging. With regard to this the feminine practice is to make a loving request with emotional vulnerability. Making requests or asking for chores to be down with a bitchy, criticizing, condescending or nagging tone feels much less inspiring to the masculine. While the masculine energy is oriented to live on purpose with presence, vitality & trustability, the feminine’s is to be loving, radiant, open & emotionally vulnerable. While the masculine penetrates the world completing tasks, overcoming obstacles & navigating challenges, the feminine lovingly embrace the world, feeling through emotional moods, connection dynamics & unlove. So in this, her tasks is to communicate requests with emotional vulnerability sharing how she feels & through her bodily responsiveness, sharing the impact of his greater or lesser trustability.
DRIVING IN A CAR
Initiatory Directionality vs. Receptive Allowing
If you’re sitting in a car in the passenger seat with an incompetent, unsafe driver it’s much harder to trust your well-being such that you can sit back & relax. The car example with driver & passenger is a great metaphor of gender polarity & indicator in your own relationship of polarity dynamics. The feminine essence in us all loves to love, connect & flow through life as she relaxes in the demonstration of trustable masculine lead, whether that be a man or life itself. Again if the driver of the car is incompetent then somebody’s got to “secure the ship” ensure it is going in the right direction & that all are safe. The old joke about the man being too prideful to stop & ask for directions even when he is lost is the essence of this dynamic of masculine & feminine polarity. This doesn’t mean he needs to always be competent or know his direction 100% of the time but she loses trust if he tries to fake it or if he is not living a purposeful directed life. During phases in which he is in transition in career she wants to feel that he is being wise, disciplined & discerning in finding clarity of direction for the next mission; likewise when he’s driving them in a car if he is lost, instead of faking it & pretending, she wants to feel him pull over & find the proper coordinates such that she feels his clarity, that “he’s got it”, which allows her to increasingly trust & relax into her feminine allowing.
There are not many people who like a backseat driver or an untrusting controlling passenger. Sometimes the driver needs to work on being more competent in his driving & directionality, while other times the feminine can work on or her surrendering & allowing a relatively trustable driver to lead them. Her job is to do her due diligence on the front end & choose a trustable driver to let in the car at the very beginning & then if she wants to have the continued sexual attraction of polarity in the relationship, then he her practice is to empower greater clarity, directionality & competence in her masculine driver. When she criticizes him, corrects him or tries to direct him, she is disempowering him & degrading the polarity. Her choices are to
1) let him go & choose a different driver
2) kick him out of the driver seat, take the masculine wheel herself
3) or stay in her feminine & express how she’s feeling “i feel anxious when you drive too fast” or “I feel confused are you sure we’re going the right way” or “let me know if you need any help, love” or even compliment him on his driving to inspire even greater competence from him.
She might also animate her feminine essence even more by being responsible for the energy in the mood in the car, playing DJ with the music or with loving affectionate touch of his arm. Also another thing feminine passengers can work on is not freaking out if he makes one driving mistake & 99 great driving maneuvers out of 100—again of the 3 options. her most empowering choice is to communicate what she feels, communicate what she fees & ultimately believe in & empower him to be a more competent lead whether driving the car or the romantic relationship.
COUPLES PRACTICE for GENDER POLARITY & SEXUAL ATTRACTION
Tango: one of the of the best embodied couples practices for cultivating greater intimacy, connection & sexual polarity through the fun medium of dance. Tango is an amazing vehicle for teaching presence, embodied awareness, attunement of our partner, connection, intimacy energetics & gender polarity of masculine directionality & feminine responsiveness. A good dance instructor could describe the couple’s sexual polarity & relationship dynamics merely by watching the couple dance together for one song. While we can be clever, deceptive & defensive with our words & mind, our bodies reveal the deeper truths of how we move though the world & relate to others through our embodied experience.
How stable is the masculine center & base as they dance together?
How clear & trustable is the masculine leading signaling?
Is he hesitant weak & passive?
Is he a insensitive cave-man, unattuned to her embodied experience, trying to bull her over with brute force?
How tense & controlling is she & does she try to pull him backwards?
Is she able to soften and be receptive while still staying in your center axis rather than losing yourself in relationship and falling over if he hesitates for a moment?
How much is the feminine partner’s body able to relax, flow & respond to clear leading?
Gender polarity is perhaps one of the most complex aspects of relationship (along with the secure bonding of healthy attachment) yet it is the most essential factor of ongoing romantic passion & sexual attraction. As described in more detail in part one of the series not only are these essential masculine & feminine energies the magnetizers of sexual attraction there also are essential drives to life. Far from rigid rules of males always have to be in the masculine & females always have to be in the feminine, the more we deepen in development & awaken greater potential, the more aware of the subtle energetics of life & gender polarity of our love relationship. Rather than dismissing our partner as an object we have seen a thousand times, as we become more aware of the dynamic realm of energetic polarity & attraction, we realize the infinite stage upon which we can intimately dance with our romantic partner on moment to moment.